I Have Questions (A Poem on Christianity)

I wrote this poem last night, while listening to Camila Cabello’s I Have Questions on repeat, so I titled it accordingly! Her emotions in the song helped me SO MUCH in processing my own.  This is something I’ve been struggling through and I don’t expect anyone to immediately grasp it.  The meanings of the pronouns are constantly changing, stanza-to-stanza, and they're not necessarily about specific people or even about people.  So this is enigmatic, but it is a consistent story line!  One of the stanzas toward the end is about YOU as my YouTube subscribers, let me know if you figure out any of the meaning 😁💒

 

 

It’s a special kind of betrayal
When someone can twist
How you see another person
So that you’re scared and angry
Feel Hatred toward Her
Think She Judges You, would
Just Try to Control You
When you’ve never even met Her

He says I idolize people
Expect too much of them
Craving this perfection and purity
That none of us can be
But I keep crying because
I just wanted a truth
And we can’t even agree on
What is true.

They say: Jesus is truth
Church is about Love
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
Nothing is perfect
We’re supposed to be
d i v i d e d

But I’ve seen too much

We all just want control
So we write our own histories
Create different theologies
Skip over certain verses
And claim we’re the truth

We label who’s going to hell
Who’s the craziest
Most cult-like
Who’s the least
christian

And we brainwash ourselves against
Researching beneath the division

I Have Questions
that can’t be answered
And Emotions
I’m scared of,
Without Words
To explain to you
what’s tearing down
all I’m intertwined in,
Because They Swore
this was the Truth.

Maybe I’m guilty
of praying beyond
What I could handle
Trusting people
who are a part of Her
Reading too much
Of what was wrong,
But I’ve Always had Too
Many Questions

I know you care,
But you think
You have all the answers
before I even speak
Because you’d never accept
You could be wrong.

And you swear this is the Truth.

My heart was born open, all-trusting
And you shaped it as hostile and hateful
You weren’t protecting me
You were blinding me, constricting my soul
And you hid my mind from Her.

But I’m scared. I don’t want this,
I never wanted it to be true
But now I believe
in more,

And I Have Questions within my questions

You wrote me you feel at home
And they’ve welcomed me in too
But I already have a home,
A family I was born into
They’ve loved me my whole life

Maybe we were all adopted against our will.
And I’m mad, but I grew my whole life
To love whatever this is,

I feel loyal

But I still have questions.

We used to fight wars
Disown our families
We couldn’t live in the same countries
Now we solve it by never
discussing our differences
Just making up what we think
the other believe.
We’ve given up on Truth
Traded diversity for
superficial unity.
Smiling at you,
then whispering
as you turn away

But my thoughts are rushing forward
Further than I wanted
God’s Surrounded me,
Freezing my pride
And I wish I could just go back.
before I knew any of this
Because I never wanted
us to be this wrong.

If I spit out the truth
Half of you will reject me,
Half of you won’t care.
But your acceptance
is shallow
when you don’t understand.
You don’t want this either,
But you’ve Never
cared about truth
To you,
Love is a
feeling.

But Church has to be more than that
Love Has to be more than that
She is beyond that because
God has to care about more than
That type of love

Six months ago
I would’ve rushed
To protect anyone
From thinking this
But I’ve read beyond
what I wanted
to be true.

They’ve all been praying for me
For different things,
for me to think like them

And I trust
That they have good intentions,
But not everyone
has a humble heart
Not everyone,
can be right.

But they have answers
To my questions
that you could never answer

And so many of them
have been here
Made this journey
They’re surrounding me, telling me
What to read, what to believe
How to leave.

But I loved you with all of me.
And you’ve hurt me a lot,
I’ve doubted, rebelled against you.
But you’ve showed me God.
So I trusted. And I’m still here.
Can these thoughts be betrayal,
when my future is for you?
You’re not perfect, but neither is She.
I don’t want to leave.

I want to go back to Medieval,
when this wouldn’t be my choice.
We’d all be the same
Of the same birth.

But I’m captured in this loyalty
And I choose these people who’ve
shown me Christ and
taught me how to love.

The world is still.
And they’re not angry at me
for believing the rumors
about Her.
They applaud me
Say it’s not my fault.
But I feel guilty
And I’m crying,
Because I went years
Without asking these
Questions

15 Comments

  1. Josh
    May 22, 2017

    Maybe my assumption may be way off here but I guessing you giving up your belief in God or least questioning him being real or not. Be strong be you don’t let haters and doubters get you I know that is tough. when your emotions get the better of you and know this God is real and He loves you no matter what and let every obstacle be something to make you stronger . Just hope you can see this as encouragement

    Reply
  2. Josh
    May 22, 2017

    I may be way off here in my assumption here but I am guessing that you given up on your belief in God or at least questioning if He is real? Just be strong, be confident and I want you to know that God is real and he loves you know matter what and don’t let others discourage you if this is the case. Just this can be encouragement to you.

    Reply
  3. Angela Speaker
    June 7, 2017

    Your poem is beautiful and captures so much of how so many of us felt at one point. I’ll continue to pray for you. Just remember, the Lord said knock and the door shall be opened.

    Reply
  4. Pierre
    June 24, 2017

    How many? How many look for Him? How many care for truth? You blow me away, girl. It took me a little, but then I read “I want to go back to Medieval, when this wouldn’t be my choice. We’d all be the same. Of the same birth.” Yes. You nailed it. Do not give up, for this – exactly this – is the question. This very controversy defines the entire Divine dynamics of western civilisation, today even more than yesterday. But things come to an end, thus do not despair. Things come to an end possibly even sooner than expected… you blow me away, girl.

    Reply
  5. Wilberg
    June 28, 2017

    Real emotions. Honest sentiments with underlying questions. Blessed are those who sincerely desire and seek the truth. God bless you.

    Reply
  6. Chris Campbell
    July 6, 2017

    Come home to Rome

    Reply
  7. Chris Campbell
    July 6, 2017

    Home is in Rome

    Reply
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