The new Daya song “Hide Away” came on the radio the other day and I listened to the lyrics for the first time– it made me so angry! It’s promoting a horrible message, perpetuating a dysfunctional relationship culture. She’s asking throughout the song why she can’t find a guy to be with and her relationship philosophy throughout the song tells us exactly why. It’s not just a song, because music reflects our culture and people really think like this.
Here are Eight Reasons why you’re single:
- YOU are the one who is hiding away.It’s ironic how the crux of the song: “Where do the good boys go to hide away?” could actually be pointed at Daya herself. A lot of times we blame guys for not “making a move” or “telling us how they feel” while also expecting them to be “down for the chase/putting in the time that it takes.” Playing hard to get is confusing to everyone involved. Expecting the guy to always be the one reaching out to you is an unfair double standard and it is not realistic to all personality types. As a female, you can make the first move by introducing yourself, messaging someone, starting up a conversation. If you’re not going to do that, then the least you can do is be responsive when someone does reach out to you. Don’t feign apathy or a busy schedule or the guy may actually believe you’re not interested. The guys with the best of intentions are not wanting to make you into a game, so be straight up and transparent.
- You’re intimidating.Some women with bold, assertive personalities can come across as intimidating to guys who are more shy and introverted. Everyone is scared of rejection, but introverts who are notoriously bad at small talk and don’t fit into the mold of the “superman” guy Daya speaks of may never make a move. In the first verse she brushes off laughing around the guy as a negative thing and in the second verse does the same with listening to him. “Boys seem to like the girls who laugh at anything/ Boys seem to like the girls…talking them up about the things they do so well.” None of that is a negative thing! Making someone feel accepted and affirmed and comfortable when they’re around you is a good thing! And it is necessary if you want someone to approach you. Listening is the most overlooked virtue and being genuinely interested in what someone is good at and passionate about is so attractive. Making someone feel understood and known by asking them questions and actively listening and validating them will cause them to want to keep talking to you.
- You reject and friend zone people interested in you. Being open to different types of people and not judging by appearances or first impressions is really important if you want to be in a relationship. It feels good to be close-minded, to jump to not giving a guy our number, immediately friendzoning him, deeming him not attractive enough or not good enough to be with us. That may make you feel powerful or attractive, but it also means you’re single. It is so common for the guy best friend to really want to be with you, and then for the girl to continually friendzone him. Sometimes we crave adventure and impulsiveness and intense emotion over comfort and stability and peace. And seeking out this newness and infatuation may make us unhappy in the end if we’re ignoring, overlooking the people who are right in front of us.
- You have high expectations. Whether its the type of person who you’re with—their look or personality, or you want a guy who pursues you or acts “romantic” in a relationship in a specific way, you’re not open. It’s good to have standards and prioritize being with someone who you connect with on a deep level, but don’t complain about being single like you’re in this helpless position. You COULD be in a relationship, but are choosing to be single! In the second verse of the song, Daya sings that she wants the guy to chase her and “To supply all my heart’s demands/ Because he’s going to save my life like superman.” And in the chorus she is singing how all she wants is “a little company” but no, she wants a fairytale relationship. She wants the idea of a relationship rather than the person. You should be in a relationship because you meet someone who you love being around and who you love listening to and understanding. It should be about the other person, not just about how they’re making you feel.
- You’re not over your ex.You still think about your ex, talk about your ex, compare new people you meet to your ex. Hearing in-depth about your breakup is likely to turn people away. And that’s a good thing. You need to take time away to just be single and heal. Sometimes you’re at a place where you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
- You’re not confident and happy on your own. You hear so many stories of someone swearing off relationships, then the next day meeting the person they marry. Or how you’ll only get in a relationship when you’re not seeking it out. The reason for that is confidence. When you’re independent and love yourself without needing validation from another person, when you are completely content and happy on your own– that strength shows through and it is attractive. The healthiest relationship is when both people are already fulfilled and happy on their own and don’t need each other, but want each other. Being emotionally needy and reliant on someone else for happiness or for all of your emotional support is not attractive or healthy and it shows through. Not being confident shows through. How you feel about yourself will also play into how you make other people feel. If you accept and love and forgive yourself, you’re likely to be like that toward other people and attract people to you. In “On Friendship” Aristotle argues that you can only be a good friend to other people if you’re first a good friend to yourself. The same goes with loving someone in a relationship.
7 .You’re not good, you’re just nice. I was just re-watching the movie version of “Into the Woods” and at the very end one of the Witch’s songs has a sentiment like this: “You’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just nice” and it epitomizes Western culture. We think that by not being awful, by just omitting evil that we’re being good. But Augustine talks about how good is not a lack of evil, but an actual substance, it is all these additional actions of being self-sacrificial that are required to be an exemplary person. Some guys complain how they’re so nice, yet always get rejected… that women always go for jerks and that nice guys finish last. But that thinking is a bit misled. Being “nice” by not being a jerk doesn’t mean you’re automatically an excellent, inspiring person who other people want to be around. And women do this as well, in “Hide Away” Daya says: “I’m a good, good girl who needs a little company” while listing off this huge list of demands of what she wants from a guy. Relationships aren’t about you. If you start by focusing on another person, making them feel known then maybe a relationship can begin.
- You just haven’t found the right person yet.This is cliché because it’s true. I think it is rare when timing and everything works out. It is rare and amazing when two people who connect on all these different levels, share similar values, are both emotionally in a good place to be dating… also live in the same area. For all of that to happen, THAT should be shocking to us! All of us will get married some day if we want to, and that only takes finding one person. You might spend so much time worrying about how you’ll end up “forever alone” but instead spend time thinking about how you might end up having a failed relationship, getting divorced, hurting your children in the process. We have the rest of our lives to be in a committed relationship and that should intimidate us, scare us because of how high the divorce rate is. Instead of complaining and sulking about being single, we should analyze ourselves: things that have scarred us in the past and any negative emotional patterns that have come out of that. We should think about our flaws and figure out what we need to change about ourselves so we’ll be better able to love someone in a relationship. Instead of investing so much energy in finding the right person, think about how to become the right person for someone else.